Everyone knows I love music and I especially love Ledisi. Well, homegirl has a new song on Youtube called “Add to Me”. This is my new favorite song and the topic of this week’s blog.

The words to the song really struck me. It speaks of a strong independent woman who is holding it down and asking the man she just met “How you going to add to me?” Some men might get offended and say the song is just another woman’s anthem. But I believe both men and women should be evaluating what they bring to the table. The things that they each bring will make them stronger as a couple. The more I listen to the song though, I am asking myself ……..what are we (single women) adding to that man who we desperately want to come into our lives and put a ring on it?

Are you bringing baggage? Drama? Anger? Distrust because of the other men in your life have hurt you? Are you bring a whole lot of debit? Or are you like Ledisi whose says – “I’ve been in a spiritual place……. so when it gets hard I don’t break!” For those who are spiritual – God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. So He gave him a helpmate. Why? Because He intended for you to add to that man.

Ladies, if you need help uncovering what things you are bringing to the table that you might need to get rid of………. and/or you need to start adding something to the bag and need help finding out and cultivating what those things are……… then I am here to support you. Please sign up for a free Wife Mastery call today!

With all the love my heart can hold,

The Wife Coach

The Bible says if love is real you will be able to see it. You will be able to see it work, and work in the hard places like your marriage and family. You see love is an action word not an abstract idea or just a feeling. Love moves and it does things.

Are you experiencing God’s kind of love in your marriage?

Ask yourself these penetrating questions:

• When you’re on time but your spouse isn’t, are you patient?
• When your spouse needs attention, but you’re focused on a task, are you understanding?
• When your spouse succeeds are you their enthusiastic cheerleader?
• Do you mention how much you’ve done in the past when you’re trying to get the upper hand during a disagreement in the present?
• Do you ever use your spouse as the butt of your jokes or the target of your one-liners?
• Do you ever leave the impression with your mate that it’s your way or the highway?
• When you’re watching your favorite show or reading your favorite book, but your mate wants to talk, are you willing to stop and listen?
• Do you keep short accounts or detailed records of hurts from the past?
• When your mate happens to be wrong does your heart want to scream, “Gotcha! I knew I was right!”
• Are you willing to look for the best and overlook the worst?
• Are you willing to hang in there when the easier response would be to hang it up?

This week I want you to reflect on your actions and evaluate whether you are just giving lip service or truely demonstrating God’s love in your actions.

With all the love my heart can hold,

The Wife Coach

Last week we talked about some of the things that are more of a priority that your husband and your marriage. The first three were your kids, job, and home. Let’s take a look at three others.

Activities/Hobbies

You say hobbies really? Who puts hobbies before their spouse? Men are particularly guilty of this. Watching football, fishing, video games, the gym and playing golf become their number one focus after work. Women put church activities before their husband. They are running from one church activity to another while their husband is being neglected. Or what about hanging or shopping with your girlfriends. You watching your favorite show in the bedroom while he watches his shows in the basement. You reading a book while he is on the computer is not quality time. There is no real connection. You ride in the car together for 45 minutes and don’t really say a word to one other is not quality tie either. A healthy marriage requires conversation where personal things are shared, eye contact and your full attention.

Pets

Don’t laugh. Yes, I said pets. Many couples today are deciding not to have kids but they do have pets. Their pets are their kids. When you come home do you show more affection to your dog than your husband? You hug and rub on your dog but what about your husband? You come home from work and tell your dog – “How’s mommy’s baby? I missed you!” You don’t even hug or kiss your husband and speak any loving words to him. Does the dog walked and fed before your husband? When a pet gets more time, attention, affection and communication than your husband then something is very wrong!

Family/Friends

Do you continue to hang out and schedule regular time with your single girlfriends and your family? When you add up your time do you spend more time with friends and family than you spend alone time with your husband? A woman spends, on average, an hour and a half on the phone with friends and family or on watching television each night. While she is doing this her husband is on the computer or watching TV separately from her. A woman never really breaks away from her beloved dad. She relies on him for wisdom and guidance rather than her husband. Her husband wants to be the leader and for them to make decisions together. What about couple time? Do you spend more time with other couples or groups than you do alone? Are you having trouble finding things to talking about when it is just you two? Do you find it more enjoyable and comfortable to be with friends?

When we put things before our spouse we are robbing our marriage of intimacy and passion. When you husband is not the top priority and let other things become important you will have a breakdown in these areas:

• You have very little personal, one on one time together
• You have no regular intimate communication
• You don’t meet each other’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs

If anyone or anything is more important than your husband, your marriage will not be deeply intimate and passionate. Your relationship will progress from good, pretty good, so so and then to not so good. Finally, the love will die and your marriage will die. Many marriages end in divorce as a result.

So what is the solution to the fatal effects of the six marriage killers and passion robbers? Make your husband your number one priority.

The Wife Coach

There are many things that demand our time, attention, energy and money. As a result, it is very easy to neglect your spouse as you try and juggle all these things. Kids are the number one thing that sneak ahead of your spouse on your priority list and rob your marriage of intimacy and passion. There are several persons and activities that you could be making more important than your spouse and your marriage. Let’s explore what those are.

Kids

Go ahead and raise your hands if you already know that you are putting your kids above your spouse. Is your home child centered verses husband centered? I know many of you are feeling uncomfortable already. But just as Christ is the head of the church so is the husband the center of the family. It all starts there. Right after God, our husband should be your number one priority. When your marriage and husband is flourishing the family will flourish. You have to create a healthy environment for your kids and that starts with a healthy marriage which comes as a result of a focus on ministry to your husband. Yes, I said ministry. Are you focusing on ministering to your husband and making sure his needs are being met? I guarantee you if you focus too much on your kids, you will hurt your marriage.

Job

Are you a workaholic? Are you so focused on climbing the corporate ladder that your marriage is suffering? You justify it by saying, “Hey, if I don’t work this hard, then the bills don’t get paid.” Or “I have to establish myself in my career”. Your drive to produce and succeed at work has nothing to do with your spouse or your kids. It’s all about you. If you are placing your job above your husband, you are killing your love. Most of your time, energy and creativity are being spent on work and not on your spouse. Your marriage will die from neglect.

Home

Are you the kind of woman who just can’t sit still and just has to make sure everything is taken care of in the house before you go to sleep? You cannot relax and spend time with your husband because there are just too many jobs to do around the house. You feel good when you are completing tasks and being productive. Your house is clean but once again your husband is being neglected. Your daily household tasks are not more important than our husband or marriage. You have to dedicate time and energy to work at making your spouse and marriage a priority. These things come after you have met the needs of your husband.

Encouraging you to always make passion a focus in your marriage,The Wife Coach

The Wife Coach

Recently I went out with my girlfriends to an upscale bowling alley. I arrived in my skinny jeans, nice top, hair, and makeup done, accessorized with jewelry, nice handbag and wearing my pumps. They asked me “Where are you going? Bowling with us or out on a date? You sure are dressed up to be going bowling with us!” I told them I needed to maximize every opportunity. You never know when might meet someone. Men are visual and you should always look your best.

It doesn’t matter whether you are single or married, dress to impress because men are visual. A beautiful and tastefully dressed woman is a godly “eye magnet” that is difficult to avoid. Even if a man tries not to look, he is aware of her presence. What husbands really want to know is that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

Being visually pleasing to you husband should always be a priority. As godly women and wives we often times forget this. The Delilah’s of the world are very acutely aware that men are visual and focus on their appearance. Often times, as Christian women we focus too much on 1 Timothy 2:9 – “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments” and therefore they don’t pay much attention to their outward appearance. But I Peter 3:3-4 says “Your adornment must not be merely external–braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” The key word here is “merely”. Merely means only. So it is encouraging us to focus on not only the outward appearance but the inward appearance. This suggests your outward appearance should be a focus area. Even the proverbial woman was he is “clothed in fine linen and purple”. She is the Christian woman’s ultimate role model.

Encouraging you to always look your best,

The Wife Coach

1. SOMEONE HE CAN TRUST – NOT JUST WITH GOING OUT DANCING WITH THE GIRLS, BUT WITH ALL HIS SECRETS AND WEIRD, DUMB FEARS.

Trust is the foundation upon which all relationships are built, and mutual respect is the mortgage with which you pay for that relationship, or something. My point is: Trust is huge for anybody anywhere in any kind of relationship, and it’s no different for guys looking for life partners.

2. SOMEONE WHO SUPPORTS HIM EVEN IF HE SUDDENLY WANTS TO QUIT HIS JOB TO PURSUE HIS DREAM OF BECOMING A FAMOUS SCREENWRITER/INVENTOR.

Sure, that might sound easy now, but what happens when he loses his job, or decides he really needs to take a huge chunk of savings and start his own company, or pursue his dream job at 40? It takes a lot of patience, love, and understanding to support your partner when times are rough and there’s no sign of when it’ll get better. And that’s a two-way street, because guys also want…

3. SOMEONE WHO HAS DRIVE AND AMBITION, AND DOESN’T JUST SIT AROUND POSTING MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES ON FACEBOOK.​

Personal happiness is key to a healthy relationship. You should have goals as a couple, and also individual goals, and the way you make it work is figuring out how to juggle all of that at once.

4. SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM, BUT ALSO GOES OUT A FEW TIMES A MONTH ON THEIR OWN.

I don’t think anyone has ever described their perfect mate as “someone who would, if it were possible, literally graft their skin to my skin so we could never be apart.” Someone who has their own life and hobbies and passions is always a good thing.

5. SOMEONE HE CAN HAVE REALLY (REALLY, REALLY, REALLY) GREAT SEX WITH.

Sex isn’t the most important thing in the world, but it’s up there. To be clear, that doesn’t mean every guy is out their looking for their own personal sex goddess, just someone they’re compatible with; whether that’s some vanilla sex once a week or someone they can get kinky with thrice a day.

6. SOMEONE WHO ACCEPTS THAT MAYBE HE’S NOT THE BEST COMMUNICATOR AND UNDERSTANDS THAT HE’S WORKING ON IT.

Yeah, people need to get better, but human beings are dumb, weird, stubborn idiots, and it’s important we recognize and accept that in each other. Be forgiving of the little things.

7. SOMEONE WHO SHARES HIS VALUES AND IDEALS, AND KNOWS THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY ARGUE, IT WILL NEVER BE ABOUT ANYTHING SERIOUS.

It’s important when you get married, but it’s even more important when you have kids. Otherwise, they will sense the weak links and destroy you.

8. SOMEONE WHO KEEPS SURPRISING HIM BECAUSE THEY’RE ALWAYS CHANGING (BUT NOT INTO A WEREWOLF OR SOMETHING, JUST GROWING AS A PERSON AND TAKING ON NEW CHALLENGES).

You know those people who seem really interesting at first, and then you realize they have the same three stories that they tell over and over, and that’s really all they got? Yeah, the opposite of that. But still, not a werewolf.

9. SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS THEIR MIND.

Communication is paramount, so being able to voice what you want, what’s going well, and what isn’t is incredibly important to a healthy relationship. I guess, alternatively, you could also not care about anything and not contribute to your relationship. That could work too, maybe.

10. SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO LEARN ABOUT HIM AND GROW WITH HIM.

You know, someone with whom he can live a long and rewarding life.