When we were kids we thought money was magic. It could solve anything. Just put that card in the “money machine” and out popped money. You could just go to that machine get money and buy whatever you want. Money was endless right? What a blessing. Back to the real world. Once you matured and grew up you knew acquiring money wasn’t that easy. You had to work for it. Wisdom also taught you that money doesn’t solve everything.

As we now know, money can be a blessing or a curse. It all depends on how you view it and the way you handle it. When you manage it well, it can be a blessing. But when you don’t or can’t, it certainly feel like a curse. You have to learn how to manage it and master it. When it comes to money and marriage the blessing and curse principle also applies.

Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. In your marriage vows you promised to “love, honor, and cherish” each other, “for better or for worse, for richer or poorer.” And believe me you will have some worse times in your marriage.  Money issues can create huge walls that seem insurmountable. These are the times you need to come together as a team and not let money divide you. You have to face the giants. If your finances are a mess, you have to face up to the truth. Don’t ignore it. Acknowledge it is a mess and go to work on the issue together. Money issues need to be talked about. Many people try to avoid the subject money subject. Talk about money and finances even before you get married. Find out their attitude and beliefs toward money.

Doesn’t matter if you have a little money or a lot of money bit it is your attitude towards money that matters. Most people are either spenders or savers. Most couples complain that their spouse is never on the same page when it comes to money. She wants to tithe and he feels like they can’t afford it. He wants to take a risk and start a new business venture and she can’t see how they are going to have health insurance. She is always buying expensive clothes for the kids and he feels like they are kids and will grow out f those clothes quickly. But in your marriage you must work towards a balance. I believe financial tension in relationships can be improved if not alleviated if couples commit themselves to learning sound financial principles, learning to be disciplined and creating the balance. Set goals and be equally responsible in reaching those goals.

The Wife Coach

Nine times out of ten when our back are against the wall we tend to lie. It is human nature. We see it at a very young age. The small child who has eaten a cookie and when we as them did they eat a cookie they shake their head no. All the while cookie crumbs are all over their mouth.

Most people consider themselves to fairly honest and by society’s standards we are. But is that really saying much. What society considers honest and what is really true and honest are two separate things. Our culture makes lying the norm. We do it so often we don’t even notice it anymore. We live in a culture that tells us to tell the truth ONLY if it doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable, doesn’t cause conflict, and makes you looks good.

Honesty can make or break a relationship. When you know you can totally trust your mate, it strengthens your love. When you know you can totally trust your mate, it removes a large potential for worry. Honesty provides security in the relationship.

Dishonesty is a harmful habit that can erode the trust between you and the person you love. Honesty is to be taken seriously in a marriage and for many is a non-negotiable. Even in the little things, it will undermine your marriage. If you tell a seemingly harmless lie the first time you may feel guilty. But the more you keep telling these harmless lies eventually it will become easier and you will feel no guilt. You will then graduate to bigger more harmful lies. Then you will have to start lying to cover your tracks and it is just a huge snowball effect.

Not mention dishonesty destroys trust in your marriage. When you lie your spouse will have hard time believing you even when you are telling the truth. Becomes harder to trust you in all things that they value and it causes lingering tension and uneasiness in the relationship.

Trust, openness, honesty and transparency are absolutely essential for a woman in order to produce the level of emotional intimacy that will meet the needs of her soul. Nothing should be hidden within a marriage relationship, even the secrets of insecurity should be able to be entrusted to each other in order to foster a deep abiding bond of satisfying connection. Your spouse should know you better than anyone else. The reality, based on a survey done in the USA, men tend to be the big secret keepers in relationships. Whereas a woman tends to want to share everything in a relationship, based on her deep need for security, men tend to keep secrets about everything from finances, feelings, his male relationships, spirituality, sexuality, and his relationships with women. All of which, if kept hidden and become found out by the woman he is with, will begin to tear apart at the seams the level of trust she has in the relationship, which then causes her to question the level of her safety in the relationship. On the other hand, honesty meets such an emotional need for a woman that women tend to fall deeper in love with a person who’s radically honest with them.

Ladies two important points:

1.Honesty is a sign that he is ready to grow with you and cultivate committed healthy relationship.If he is still playing games and lying, He is not ready for a serious relationship.

2. The Golden Rule: Honesty is the best policy for everyone involved.

The Wife Coach

In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, I read an astounding statistic. Three out of four men would prefer to feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate. What an eye opener! She goes on to reveal that if a man feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved. As women we must learn to love our men the way they need to be loved and not how we wanted to be loved. Even the bible instructs husbands to love their wives and for wives to respect their husband. The greatest way for you to show your man that you love him is to ensure he feels your respect above all else.

Ladies, we have to learn to show our men unconditional respect. Respect him for who he is and not for just what he does. Don’t be controlling when are controlling you are disrespecting and dishonoring your man. Your controlling actions communicate you do not believe in ability to lead and make decisions. Saying you respect him is not enough. You got to show it. Respect his opinion, decisions and knowledge. Stop question them. Defer to him sometimes. Demonstrate you respect him by calling on his knowledge and asking for his advice. Let him figure things out for himself. Don’t ever tell him to ask for directions. You must demonstrate you trust him in the small things or he will never believe you trust him with the big things.

Publicly demonstrate that you respect him. Affirming him by telling him how well he did something. Say something like “Eric is great at figuring out what is wrong with your car. He knows just about everything there is to know about fixing cars.” Your show of respect not only lifts him up it lifts you both up.

Be careful not to nag as this is also disrespectful to your man. It communicates that he needs constant reminders and you don’t trust him to get it done. Inherent in our nagging is communication of disappointment and failure. Definitely do no not nag or criticize in public even in jest or teasing manner. Always have is back in public and affirm him.

Showing admiration and affirm your man is critical to his self-esteem. Admiration is a great motivator for men. When you tell him you think he is wonderful, it will inspire him to achieve more. That encouragement and inspiration helps him to believe in himself and walk with confidence as he faces challenges and responsibilities in his life. Admiration also energizes him. A man expects his woman to be his biggest fan and cheerleader. He will achieve far more with your encouragement.

The Wife Coach

“A true relationship is all about TRUST and LOYALTY. The trust of a woman to her man. The loyalty of a man to his woman.” I ran across this saying and the author is unknown. But I find this saying to be true. I want to focus more today on the trust part. A healthy successful relationship has trust. Unfortunately many relationships struggle with trust for many reasons.

Trust is defined as the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone. It is the confidence we place in that person. When trust has been established you feel safe and secure both physically and emotionally. Relationships that do not have trust will not survive during difficult times because they not reliable or strong.

You must strive to have honest and open communications in order to establish trust. Without open and honest communication, you will undermine trust and destroy the sense of security in the relationship. Both people must be open, honest and accurate in communicating information about their past, present and future. If they don’t, one or both, will feel off balance and instead of growing together they will grow apart.
Providing misleading information, withholding information and providing false information will eventually destroy your relationship.

Transparency is one of the most important qualities in a relationship and is need to build trust. Nothing should be hidden from your spouse. Your spouse should know you better than anyone else. You should not keep any part of yourself hidden from your spouse. Marriage is the most intimate relationship and that means being naked with nothing to hide literally and figuratively. Your spouse needs to know you better than anyone else because they are responsible to meet your most intimate needs. So reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know – your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, past history, daily activity and future plans.

Not only should your communication be open and honest but you actions must also be trustworthy. You must always be seeking to protect the feelings and interest of your spouse in order to be trusted. Many people struggle with trust because they have experienced pain and unhappiness from dealing with other that have betrayed their trust by their untrustworthy actions and/or communication. It is important that you deal with trust issues before moving on to another relationship.

Remember trust is not about being perfect. We all have failed in the areas of openness, honesty and trustworthy actions. But what is most important is your ability to open and honest about your failure and show your spouse by your actions your commitment to correct the behavior and show them that their feelings and interests are a priority.

The Wife Coach

You would thing communication is a simple thing. Two human beings expressing themselves with words. It is basic to the human race. But talking is not the same as communicating. Communication is a complicated thing. It is even more complicated when it is between a man and a woman because of their innate differences. A lot of the time we don’t talk to each other but over each other. We talk about what the other person did wrong but really that may not be the real issue. As human, our selfish tendencies have us focusing on ourselves rather than listening to what the other person is saying. By the way, have you heard that hearing is not the same as listening?

Communication is speaking, listening, understanding and responding properly. With there being so many different aspect of communication it is no wonder that it can get complicated. Good communication, clear communication is when two people know what to say, when to say, and how to say it. Talking a lot and being in love with one another does not automatically mean you are communication effectively. Absence of conflict doesn’t mean you have effective communication in your relationship either.

Norman Wright, in his book “Communication – Key to Your Marriage”, says there are six different messages being given when you are communicating. Thus the increase for problems. “First, you have something you want to get a cross. Second, is what you actually say. Third, is what your spouse actually hears while filtering and processing the information. Fourth, is what they think they hear. Fifth is what message they say about what you said. Lastly, is what you think about what your partner said about what you said.” At this point, we are just shaking our heads because it sounds discouraging.

If you want to have effective communication you must be determined to work at it and be committed to practicing it. It requires you being humble enough to look in the mirror and admitting that you need more work when comes to communicating with the opposite sex. Improvement will take time. Take a look in the mirror to uncover what areas need improvement. Maybe you issues being vulnerable and therefore you have a hard time talking about your feelings. Maybe you are prideful and have a hard time expressing or feeling remorse when hurting your partner. During times of conflict are you able to keep your tone calm, kind and gentle?

In a marriage, both the man and the woman bring their own dictionary to the marriage. You must clarify the words being expressed to each other or you risk being misunderstood. Messages can easily be misinterpreted, depending how the words are used or not used. Or incorrectly received by your partner. Spoken and written words can both be misinterpreted.

Dwight Small said, “The heart of marriage is its communication system. But no couple begins marriage with a highly developed communication. It is not something they bring into the marriage ready, but something to be continually cultivated through all the experiences of their shared life.” A wonderful marriage develops when a husband and wife learn to communicate with openness and understanding. Be encourage it can be done. Be committed to working on effective communication in order to have a successful marriage.

The Wife Coach.

This past week I was having a conversation with my girlfriends and the topic of successful black women and dating came up. The question that was on the table as a result of our conversation was “Will our future husbands be OK if we made more money than them?” Sure, most men say they are fine with it we you first ask the question. Men say more money means more money for the household.

Does me making more money really translate into a positive when we get married? How does that play out practically once we get married? Are you secure in your manhood when I am getting raises

This past week I was having a conversation with my girlfriends and the topic of successful black women and dating came up. The question that was on the table as a result of our conversation was “Will our future husbands be OK if we made more money than them?” Sure, most men say they are fine with it we you first ask the question. Men say more money means more money for the household.

Does me making more money really translate into a positive when we get married? How does that play out practically once we get married? Are you secure in your manhood when I am getting raises and bonuses and you may not be. Is my money still my money and your money is your money when we get married? Or is it all going into one pot for us to live the life style we want to live?

The conversation with my girlfriends reminded me of an article I had read a couple of months ago in Essence magazine. The title of the article – “We Asked Black Women Who Earn More Than Their Partners to Reveal What Has and Hasn’t Worked For Them” by Kimberly Wilson. In the article she states –

“Women, especially Black women, are at the top of our game right now. And as our numbers increase in the boardroom, as entrepreneurs, and even in the classroom, another role for women that seems to be a growing trend is the rise of female breadwinners. We are the largest group participating in the workforce. And while we are making more than ever, and leading households, another dynamic of the black family continues to change: the relationship that black women have with our partners. Done are the days where the man “brings home the bacon” and leads the household, because he is the dominating breadwinner.” In the article she goes on to explore how a few women who earn more than their spouse make it work in their relationships.

I personally don’t agree that done are the days where men are “bringing home the bacon”. I know there are men out there still bringing home the bacon and supporting their families. Even in the same home she may be bringing home just as much or more money and that is OK. A real man paired with a real woman knows they are not in completion with each other. He is secure in his manhood and understand who he is and takes responsibility for his wife and family. They understand the dynamics of women getting more pay in some instance for the same job they are performing. In spite of that they support each other’s success because they understand they are working together on a common mission. It is important they understand what that mission is.

I am confident that I can make more money than him but still be able to never let him feel like we are in completion. I will always be his biggest cheerleader and supporter. The king I grab a hold of will be self-assured and confident in who is and will have a vision. That vision will include me his queen. He will not even be concerned if I make more money than him because he will be more focused on all my other qualities love, support, kindness, intellect, communication, temperament, problem solving skills, etc. The money for either of us could be gone tomorrow but the characteristics I possess will stand against the storms of life and we will stay focused on our mission and rise victorious. I can go back to a one bedroom apartment as long as it is me and my king against the world. So I already know the answer to my question…..No, it won’t matter to my man if I make more money.

The Wife Coach.

For many women, men are a mystery. For some women they struggle to know if their man really loves them. Well I am hoping to shed some light on that mystery. A man begins to change and act different when he falls in love with a woman. Here are some of the signs that your man is in love with you:

He makes you a priority. When a man is just casually dating you, he doesn’t necessarily rearrange his schedule to see you or for a last minute dinner invite. He will drop everything for a booty call but that is not what I am talking about. However, a man who is in love is definitely going to be more willing to make you a priority and change his schedule around to spend time with you, even if it’s just to have coffee if he is in love with you.

He attentive to what you are saying and is a better listener. Most men don’t like to talk as much as women. Sure may be talkative in the beginning when he first starts getting to know you but the conversations quickly start to wane. But when he is in love with his woman he begins to be more attentive and truly listen to what she has to say. He engages in more meaningful conversations and you can see he is genuinely interested in having conversations with you.

He is more affectionate, especially in public. When he is in love he is more carefree and doesn’t care as much about showing public displays of affection. Love will have him kissing you when you are walking down the street and holding your hand while waiting in line for your movie tickets.

He consistently does nice things for you. When you are dating, men are known to bring a woman a small gift, such as flowers or chocolates. But, the gesture becomes less about impressing you and more about showing that he cares when a man loves you. A man who is in love with you wants to show you his emotions and is likely to bring you gifts, even just a card, on the regular.

He wants to be connected. Typically, men don’t talk on the phone a lot or to spend a lot of their time staying in constant contact all day. Love can change this all around and with love in the equation, you can expect a lot more communication from a man. He may text you to ask how you are or he may call you to tell you about something crazy that just happened to him.

He starts talking about plans for the future that include you. A lot of men aren’t ready to settle down when they’re young. Instead, they’re looking to casually date and spend time with women whenever they see fit. Love changes a man in the sense that when a man is committed to someone, he sincerely wants something serious instead of something temporary. A man who is very involved with his feelings for a woman is very likely to start talking and thinking about the future. If your man starts talking about future plans with you, know that without a doubt, your name is all over his heart.

The Wife Coach

If you asked most married couples they would tell you that marriage is work. Most would say it is hard work. I tell people it is not for the faint of heart. Two individuals coming together as one unit in agreement. That is the plan but it is not easy. We tend to think that loves will make it all work out. “If we love each other why does it have to be work?” we ask ourselves. But MANY can’t seem to figure out how to make it work and walk in agreement. They don’t understand their spouse. Each year the divorce rate continues to increase not decrease.

Life happens. The bills, climbing the corporate ladder, job changes, interacting and living with under the same roof, family issues on both sides, babies, moving, cars breaking down, whose house we going to for the holidays, etc. It can be overwhelming. Trials and hardship are thrown at you as a couple. So it will be work to figure out how to deal with each new issue. Marriage will stretch you individually and collectively. It is two imperfect people coming together and growing together. That is work.

It becomes HARD work when you have not prepared for marriage. When you know nothing about how to effectively talk to, minister to and work with the opposite sex. It becomes HARD work when you have not prepared for the life challenges that you can expect to come your way as a couple.

You have taken test before. There are two different ways you can take test. There are those test you have studied and prepared for and then there are those test that you didn’t prepare for because you chose to goof off. The test you studied and prepared for still require you work and think but the answers are there for you to recall. You go through the test quickly and without much effort. There is no anxiety because you can recall the answer because you studied and prepared. You quickly check the write answer.

But the test you didn’t prepare for is HARD. You struggle with the answers because you have nothing to draw from. You didn’t prepare. You didn’t study. You struggle to come up with the answer. You guess at the answer with no real clue. You are sweating bullets because you know you are going to bomb this test.

For many marriage works the same way. Those who have gotten knowledge, “done the classwork”, prepared and studied will not have a HARD time doing the work. They will have a blessed experience in marriage as they grow and flourish with their spouse. For those who didn’t prepare and thought love would see them through, they will struggle and the work will be HARD. They will be pulling their hair out, throw in the towel, take their F and divorce.

Be a wise woman and don’t let that be you. Get the knowledge, change your mindset, prepare and study. Be committed to learning and applying all you can to ensure your marriage will be and is all that it was intended to be – AMAZING!! If you do that, you will be an amazing wife. You can show the world that being a wife is beautiful and that marriage is the biggest blessing and reward. Join me in showing the world that successful marriage is on the rise and divorce is on the decline because we have prepared and conquered!

The Wife Coach

In order to be an amazing requires wisdom and understanding. The kind of wisdom and understanding that tells you, you must have a ministry in order to even wear the name “wife”. You need to be bring something to the relationship. This week I gave my followers a definition of “wifehood” – being the kind of woman who brings health and wholeness to the marriage. This means you-yourself must already be healthy and whole in order to offer it as a ministry in your marriage. As a woman, providing wisdom should be one of your ministries. Don’t be thrown by word ministry either. Ministry is simply providing a service.

Wise women are women of substance, virtue, and maturity. They are not competitors but compliment and complete their husbands with their ministry. They walk alongside him offering wise counsel. Many times the difference between wisdom and foolishness is timing. Nagging is just saying the right thing at the wrong time and too many times. Wise women speak less but when they do speak their words uplift, encourage and are beneficial. You bring health and wholeness in the words you choose to use.

The wise woman is attentive to everything. Seeking to minister at the right time in the most beneficial way. She is also attentive so she can watch for danger and error. She is always seeking wisdom to stay ahead and know things before they even happen. We call this a woman’s intuition. This is part of your purpose, power, and influence as a wife.

The best example of this is Michelle Obama and President Barrack Obama. She definitely walked alongside him as he led our great nation. Offering he wise counsel. Complimenting him and not competing with him. She brought health and wholeness to the relationship, using her influence and intuition that provided an environment of trust, security, and encouragement. We see this in how she spoke to and about her husband.

Seek wisdom ladies in all areas! This will make you an amazing wife.

The Wife Coach

I knew at a very young age I wanted to be a wife long before I knew what career path I wanted to take. I idolized my grandmother who is a devoted wife and mother of seven. I can’t really say I was raised or trained to be a wife. I did watch my grandmother who was married for over 60 years before my grandfather died. I observed my mother. Unfortunately, my mother and stepfather divorced when I was in college. As I observed both, I am not sure what I really retained. I know there were some good things and some bad things about marriage and interacting with the opposite sex. But there was no true instruction, guidance or training on how marriage works, how men and women interact, how to love someone through the good and the bad. I just thought it would magically happen, like a fairy tale.

I knew marriage would not be perfect and would take hard work. I was naïve in my thinking because I thought I would work at it while in the process of being married. Needless to say, that did not turn out well. I was devastated when my marriage failed. The one true thing I desired had failed. I was beyond heartbroken. Unfortunately, my husband did not want to go to counseling. We separated and were eventually divorced. The one thing I prayed was that I would not be bitter. I do not want to be one of those women who were bitter and became a man bashed.

After much self-reflection, I knew that if I wanted to realize my dream I need to do some work. If I wanted different results, I need to be doing something different. I knew if I wanted better, I had to be better. The saying says the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I couldn’t go into a new relationship being the same person with the same knowledge or better said lack of knowledge. I need a new level of thinking, I need new skills and a different mindset.

Maybe you are like me and your relationship has hit a brick wall. You know there has to be more vibrancy and life in marriage then what you are currently experiencing. You feel like you are lacking the necessary communication, financial and problem-solving skills necessary to make this marriage thing work.

Maybe you are the woman, who was like me, you know you want to be a wife and not just a wife but an amazing wife. The kind of wife that is part of a power couple. The kind of wife that everyone looks to and says how do you stay so happily married?

I am here to tell you, ladies, it is possible. You just have to be determined to do the necessary work to get what you desire. I am here to help and support you. I would love to be your coach, your source of encouragement, your guide and trainer in your quest to be an amazing wife. Go to my homepage, www.thewifeuniversity, and schedule your free wife mastery call today!

The Wife Coach